he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize