Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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