I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
