the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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