I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize