i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
