tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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