I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
