I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dear god my vagina.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
