I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I need moral support for this bender
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
