I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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