The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
this is an emotional support booty call
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
