I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
