We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
