Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
