Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
