Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
