She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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