Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just gift wrapped bread.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize