Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
