Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
