If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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