dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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