The best revenge is premature balding
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
