i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
