I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
