She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
