My hand turned me down
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
