Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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