why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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