Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
