not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
