Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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