he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
