You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
