Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
