I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i was born a porn star she said
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
