he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
