areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
