You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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