He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
