i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
