Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
