Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
