I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
