seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
