Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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