Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
