don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
