just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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