No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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