i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
