went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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