Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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