my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
