i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
