i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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