I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
