butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
