WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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