Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
