When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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